I recently contact the Myspace page dedicated to Ed and Elaine Brown, the rich couple that decided they didn’t feel like paying any taxes, on myspace. The couple owe the IRS a couple million dollars and instead of paying it or going to jail they have successfully barricaded themselves in their compound and won’t come out. Now, because they are white, rich, and old the FBI hasn’t stormed in with guns blazing (as they rightly should) so I tried to coax them out with a little bit of “reason”. They say, and many on both the right and the left extremes seem to believe this, that there is no law requiring Americans to pay income tax.

There are some hackney videos going around that take much from Micheal Moore’s style (don’t get me wrong, I love me some Micheal Moore). They ask a bunch of government employees and such “WHERE IS THE LAW!?!? WHERE IS THE LAW!?!?!? YOU SHOW ME THAT LAW RIGHT NOW I DEMAND IT WHERE IS IT!?!?!?!?” and the employee usually shrugs his or her shoulders. Of course, these people don’t go to any respectable law school or tax judges/ lawyers (that aren’t within this insane movement) to find out or do about five minutes of real research on the internet.

I decided to message them with this well-rounded and researched communique:

“Article 1, section 2:

“Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states which may be included within this union, according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole number of free persons, including those bound to service for a term of years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons……”

Also from the constitution: Amendment XVI

“The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several states, and without regard to any census or enumeration.”

http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/constitution.amendmentxvi
.html

You are asking for the “law”, here it is. The highest law in the land gives the government the right to tax you.

I want to thank you on behalf of the American people for not contributing to our roads, bridges, schools, college grants and loans, civil defense, police force, firefighters (you know, those dirty government employees that died for you on 9/11), those soldiers that die for you every single day….your taxes pay for their weapons, their armor, their medical care when they get home.

I surely hope you are satisfied with yourselves, battling against the evil government that we all elected to represent us. Apparently you have as little regard for Democracy as you do for taxes.

Here are all the other laws telling you that you must pay taxes:

http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:Ui1OrjCVVMAJ:www.law.cornell
.edu/wex/index.php/Income_tax+site:www.law.cornell.edu+tax+consti
tution&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=4&gl=us “

I admit I laid it on a little bit thick, on purpose though, just to get their goat. Their response was, well, hilarious:

“your clueless, thats all i can say. you are blocked for now on. i can not deal with idiots like you. you need to be reeducated, you are so far gone, you may not be able to be fixed. now run along and go play with the other sheeple.

danny riley”

Apparently they not only refuse to realize that the Constitution is the law that says we have to pay taxes if Congress so decides to levy them, but the Constitution is mind-controlling most Americans so we don’t protest when they do! I never realized that I was bleating to the beat of a tyrannical drum sounded by that most dastardly villain: the U.S. Constitution! I must say they have convinced me. I say we all march to Washington D.C., pitchforks in hand, and show that weathered piece of paper whose boss! No longer will some demonic text from the 1700s control my life, no longer will it force me to give my hard earned monies to horrible little children who hate freedom, to evil government agents of Satan who give food to the undeserving poor, no longer will my tax dollars pave roads that I will never use! Me, me, me dammit! I only want things for me! Anything more I have to pay for is Communist Nazism! Or worse:

“”We’re not conspiracy theorists,” Brown said, settling into a chair on his unfinished concrete porch. “We deal with conspiracy facts. Freemasonry and Judaism — that is the truth. That is the fact. That is where all the world’s problems come from . . . I know for a fact that they’re working together.”"

Just look at the junk mail we’ve received since applying for our occupancy permit. It has only been a few days. Each of these is addressed with my name and Cranky Yellow Publishing.

We’ve never received Junk mail before. We’ve been a legitimate business for about two years. Now, though, we are opening a physical store front and these various companies see enough money/potential in us to start soliciting services.

The only question left is how these companies (all of whom are million dollar corporations) got my name, address and business name suspiciously at the same time; sending mail suspiciously after I file for the occupancy permit.

All signs are pointing to the St. Louis business center (a sect of the Court house) bursting my information all over the STL offices of big companies, just like a virgin boy during his first sexual encounter.

I don’t have a problem with them wanting my money re-invested into STL services… but they damn well could have asked me if I’d like my information disclosed!

OR AT LEAST DISCLOSE MY INFORMATION TO INDEPENDENTLY OWNED FIRMS!

It looks like I’m starting a collection. I get roughly two new items a day. I’ve started a pile. I need to get on a no mailing list FAST. Just look at the trees these fuckers are using up. I can guarantee you that none of these items are made from post consumer material.

“Gaytopia” is a long-time dream of mine. I have always wanted to found a nation that is comprised of a majority of homosexuals, a supreme feat for what seems to be an eternal minority. Nearly all “minority” groups throughout history either have a majority somewhere else or have the means (through procreation or the spread of ideas) to become a majority. Homosexuals, however, being the nature of ourselves elusive and relatively fixed we seem to always be in danger of losing our rights to an ever changing majority. We were at the top of the pile back in the Roman and Greek days and in just a few hundred years we were being burned at the stake. After the middle-ages we were still being imprisoned, tortured, and executed up until the mid-twentieth century where electro-shock therapy, intensive medical and chemical treatments, and other more “scientific” approaches were tried.

Today, of course, such barbarity is almost a thing of the past. Christian groups still try intensive therapy sessions to scare away the gay and as science progresses even further selective abortion and chemical/medical treatments may be available to completely wipe us out. In order to rectify this problem and protect the very existence of homosexuals we must create for ourselves a society that we will govern, just as the Jews received their nation after the holocaust (a holocaust which homosexuals were also the target of).

Of course, I have selected a better plot of land than the Jews received, I.E. one not completely surrounded by enemies (Wedged in-between Canada and the American North-East, faaaaaar from the bible-belt).

This land will not discriminate against straight-kind, but we also cannot allow for our nation to fall from its goal: the creation of a homosexual-dominant state.

A few basic rules:
Immigration will have to be strictly enforced, especially until a proper fertility regime is worked out. A system of breeding will have to be developed so that homosexuals can have enough children to replace and grow the population as need be. We’ll also have to reach orientation-controlling technologies before the straights and implement them in order to make a majority of the children born gay (unless it is easier to pass on from parent to child than previously thought).

Bisexuals will be welcome but will not receive certain benefits (like gay-child tax credits and the like) if they engage in too much straight-activity or raise non-gay children.

The national anthem is not going to be set to disco or techno music (and not created by Madonna, Cher, or Bette Midler).

We will have a military, the draft will have to be instated just in case of attack by a fundamentalist nation or there is another Gaytopia that is being founded by homo-separatists who need our assistance. We will try to be non-violent though, I am hoping that the U.S. military-proposed but then scrapped “gay bomb” is actually possible. We will most certainly use such a weapon to our advantage (over Pat Robertson’s house). I am pretty sure turning him gay would be worse than blowing the weasel to bits.

Aids will be a big issue. Anyone diagnosed with it will receive the best care available (all healthcare will be socialized anyways) and one of this new nation’s top priorities would be finding a cure for it.

Sports and public bathrooms, and all other public places and functions, will be completely desegregated. Men play against and with women, men and women answer nature’s call together.

Both men and women are eligible for the draft.

Do I even have to mention marriage?

I’ll admit that promiscuity is a problem, harsh penalties will have to be awarded people who break their marriage vows and neglect their children. Anyone who is too promiscuous and seems to have no intention of settling down and raising a gay-family may have to have punishments waiting for him or her, like a life-time military draft or forced missionary work.

We will actually have a real and comprehensive “Gay agenda” so conservatives can point to something real and not some paranoid fantasy. We will go around the world helping homosexuals and encouraging them to come to us, and when the drugs become available, encouraging straight people to switch to the gay-side.

Will and Grace, Queer as Folk, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will be banned, just like those old racist cartoons about “Little Black Sambo” and “Coal Black and De Sebben Dwarves” are currently banned in America.

Well, it is my first week of class and I must say I am quite excited; my teachers are all old favorites plus two new additions: A history teacher with a “sense” of humor, who is all around good-natured, and a teacher who filled up the introduction-time with a curse-filled rant about how stupid some of his students have been and how he knows that some of us will fall right along with them.

This ultra-strict, somewhat unhinged teacher would bring me endless joy (for I love to see the less intelligent and dedicated students scrubbed from the class like lice after having that special shampoo used on them) but I fell rather ill after the second day, putting me at risk of missing a couple of assignments that could severely damage my grade.

Ya see, I have come down with what I like to call “air-conditioner sickness”. If I happen to fall asleep in temperatures below 75-70 degrees I will, without a doubt, become sick for the next three days at least and with the following symptoms: Sore throat, headache, burninating fever, and usually a wild-card symptom of some kind (this time sneezing). In order to prove to curse-e-McStrictor professor that I was horribly ill I would need a slip of paper from my doctor, a slip of paper that will cost twenty dollars…..just so I can not be penalized for missing a class I paid for.

Thus begins me on rant number 1:

College, the only institution you give money to (voluntarily) so they can control your personal life and habits. I am not entirely sure how this came about, but for some reason I, a customer, am treated like some sort of underling by the people I pay for services, my professors. Now, I am not saying they shouldn’t be treated with respect, they do, after all, know a whole hell of alot more than me, but their job is to make sure I know what I am supposed to know. Most Universities, as far as I know, do not give two craps about whether you miss class or not. You just do your papers and pass your tests and you’re fine. I agree with this policy, obviously, as I am perfectly capable of coming to class when I should and refraining from attendance usually harms the class little, if at all.

With that said I now begin rant two, which is not related to the previous rant at all:

Mexicans: The only group of people that Americans really care if they break the law. Apparently many on the “git rid of ‘erm” side of the illegal immigrant debate believe that because they are illegal they should be kicked out; because crossing the border is a crime and that makes them criminals, which makes them bad, obviously. Immediately I have to wonder how many stop-signs these people have blown past, how many times they’ve thrown a punch towards another person, driven drunk, consumed alcohol or cigarrettes under the age of 21, cheated on their taxes. No, these things are no big deal simply because “legal” residents of the U.S. are committing the offenses. However, most of these crimes are entirely selfish and self-detrimental/ detrimental to others, illegal immigration is usually not.

Lemme’ just give you a little fact, look it up if you don’t believe me, over half of the Mexican population lives in poverty. Can you, in your wildest dreams, imagine such a situation? Can you imagine living in a country that goddamn poor? Just for a second? Now, let’s do just that:

Let us imagine that you are living in a dirt-floor shack on the outskirts of Mexico City living off of garbage dumps and trying to dodge the bullets of drug dealers and crooked cops. You have heard about America, which is the richest nation on the face of the earth. You are trying to take care of your family living on a few dollars a day or less, which isn’t working. What are you gonna do? Fill out a lengthy form that will take years to process while you family starves and succumbs to disease and crime or make a break for the land of freedom and prosperity?

This isn’t some bleeding heart sad tale of whiney-magoo. This is the cold, hard, logical truth. What the hell would you do? You know what you would do, you’d do what you could to get to where you can make a better life for yourself and your family. It is what people all over the world do, it is what all of our ancestors did. Sometimes legally, sometimes not, either way this nation was founded on immigration and the promise of freedom and prosperity for all. We should not, as the wealthiest of nations, drive away people who are only following in this deep human and American tradition. We have put up artificial legal barricades that reality is circumventing, I am afraid human needs, wants, and desires aren’t so easily routed by a mountainous bureaucracy.

The idea of border walls are also rather funny when:

A: To build an effective one we’d have to bankrupt our country.

B: Effective means 50% reduction at best seeing as we can’t build a wall into the ocean.

C: Most illegal immigrants overstay their visas, meaning they were already in the country, invited to be here, and then just stayed when they were supposed to go back.

We all do things that are illegal, and just because they are illegal doesn’t mean it’s wrong, everyone understands this, everyone believes this. However, many are willing to become huge hypocrites because they are either racists, xenophobes, or have legitimate concerns that they don’t know could be addressed in much more productive ways.

Instead of running the few million people who are here illegally out of town for “takin’ ‘er jerbs” we could, instead, provide them with education (which would enculturate them to our language and values), protect them from poverty, and make sure they understand the value of their work (so they don’t work for half as much most other Americans will work for). We could also make sure our minimum-wage laws are working and implemented to their full effect. There would be less of a problem, automatically, if we decriminalize these people for they would no longer have the threat of deportation over their heads, thus making it easier for employers to pay them minuscule wages.

Secondly, we need to help “fix” Mexico. The government of that nation is horribly corrupt and inept, it has remained so for quite some time. However, the United States continues to support it because they support us, and our business interests as a whole. There are plenty of people who are capable and willing to take control of the government and enrich the people of Mexico, however, we have made damn sure they never get into power. The people, of course, are leftists, and the U.S. does not like those “types”. We have helped the Mexican right steal elections, we have propped them up with money and military equipment, we have done everything we can to help keep the leftist at bay and that has done much to destroy any sort of integrity the government of Mexico ever had.

Leftist have been crucial in every stage of American history, they have led the labor unions to victory over big-business again and again, awarding fairer pay, healthcare, social security, industry regulations, welfare…etc…etc…Leftists have always been there to redistribute wealth so that an ever greater share goes to the everyday person. Without this historical force the people only become more impoverished, despite the “economic” gains they may have had. This goes for every other third world nation the U.S. wants to spread the “Free Market” to. Sure, their economies grow by leaps and bounds, but their people continue to live in terrible poverty.

Venezuela has finally broken completely from this sort of dominance over their political and economic affairs, other nations will follow. It would be in our best interests to help this occur lest we make enemies out of every nation that finally breaks from the system that the U.S. abandoned nearly a hundred years ago, Laizzes Faire Capitalism is gone in all First World nations, it will dissapear in the less developed ones eventually as well.

If we commit to this, instead of costly and completely useless programs like the Great Wall of the U.S.A. , we might actually solve the problem of illegal immigration, what to do with immigrants of any sort, and secure a better future for the state of Mexico (and other third world nations) as well.

Anyways, time for some more cough-drops and some rest. Do tell me whatcha think about my blog, what I may have left out or what I got wrong. Until next time:

At ease Crankies!

I am still taking a hiatus from talking about anything political in this blog, I just don’t feel like it. What I have been enjoying is looking at the various usage statistics for Crankyyellow.com, I just like facts (as many on the forum already know).

Now, two of the stats that the website that tracks these sorts of things for us does is show where people have been logging in from (generally) and how they go here. Interestingly enough I found, one day, someone from India checking out the site. How excited I was, CrankyYellow is international! People from around the world are flocking to this site, loving it, and not buying anything!

But, thought I, how did someone from such a distant land find our tiny, St. Louis-based organization? What-ho! It seems I can check his Google search-terms! Let’s just see what he typed…….dear god….”sexin bathrooms gay”?!?!? What on earth is that even supposed to mean? Is there really such a things as gays sexin bathrooms? Wouldn’t that hurt? As it turns out, one of my tirades against homophobia has attracted a foreign perv, lookin’ for somethin’ hot ‘n steamy!

But oh, it gets better, he’s back again (two weeks later) and lookin’ for something even more….disturbing: “jacqui smith home secretary boobs”, which brought him to the feminist rant against the media’s obsession with Hillary Clinton’s cleavage. So, now it not only seems that this  Indian guy is rather confused, he also has a penchant for rather unattractive public figures. I really don’t know which bothers me more, someone searching for something like that or the fact that our beloved Crankyyellow turns up on the front-page on such a search.

The searchins haven’t been all bad, we also turn up on the front-page for this: “Cute Picture Colour in” , though, if you spell “color” correctly we end up on page 2,000,000.

Lord, though, if we already get results like Mr.India from our blogs I’d hate to see what we’ll end up with after my up-and-coming hilarious, but slightly crude, article about a google-game I came up with! (Also, yes, this is an invitation for all of you to trick me by searching for weird things and trying to link them to Crankyyellow, god knows I could use a few laughs.)

I’m probably going to have updates on this one too, I hope this will be an ongoing thing, though maybe not if his searches turn up this blog post in particular. Stay tuned for further hilarity my Crankies, dear god stay tuned.

Oh, I would also like to give a shout-out to that one guy in the U.K, the one in France, Canada, Hong Kong, Texas, and Florida…yes, guys, you are the only people from those areas that have been on the site.

It shall be called “Sad Trends”! To fill you in a little before we get started:

I recently discovered a Google program called “Google Trends” which allows you to spot and compare the relative use of specific search terms. You can see, for example and in a handful of countries, the comparative popularity of the word “Cat” with the word “Dog”, seeing which one is being searched more often.

For the purposes of this game, which is a variation on the game “Wikigroaning” invented on somethingawful.com, we will use words that measure the level of insanity, perversion, and stupidity of the American people and the people of the world.

The first compared words, being the rapid Commie that I am, were “Communism”(Blue) and “Capitalism”(Red):

Now, as we can plainly see from this scientifical chart, Communism is generally more popular than Capitalism as a search term: See here!
For some reason the Philippines really cares about this stuff in general. Anyways, I officially claim victory, seeing as Communism is obviously more popular than Capitalism. I am sure most of the articles found were positive and didn’t involve tin-foil conspiracies of Hillary Clinton’s healthcare plans. I have too much faith in my fellow man. Faith that was shaken, just a tad, by my following queries:

Britney Spears (Blue) vs George Bush (Red)

Philosophy (Blue) vs Boobs (Red)

Philosophy (Blue) vs Penis (Red)

Love (Blue) vs Hate (Red) (Awwwwww)

Love (Blue) vs Sex (Red) (Surprise Surprise)

Girlfriend (Blue) vs Anime (Red) (Evidence!)

Healthcare (Blue) vs Pie (Red) (Dear Jesus…..*Face-palm*)

And last but not least, we’ve finally determined which is more popular!

Penis (Blue) vs Vagina (Red)

Now, I am not going to criticize, because god knows I’m just as much to blame for the downfall of Google-manity as everyone else. But I am sure we’ve all learned from interesting, and disappointing, lessons about our fellow internet-man (and woman).

As for that last statistic, I now know I have alot of support for something I’ve known all along ( We gays won greater in that round than at all ice-skating competitions combined. Straight people may have marriage but at least gays rule the internet).Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go down to Faces (Popular St. Louis gay nightclub) and read up on some Kant (He was a philosopher I heard about in one of my college philosophy classes)!

There are quite a number of blogs around the webs that I watch with my ever-vigilant, beholder-like gaze. One of which is crooksandliars.com, one of those wonderful depositories of idiotic television appearances of Republican and otherwise Conservative hacks. Them and mediamatters.org are keen on spotting foibles, lies, fakeries, and psychotic rants that slip onto the airwaves and would otherwise go without a blip.

Crooks and Liars also likes to shake things up with abit of light humor here and there as well as some bad music (JUST LIKE ME!). One such interesting diversion involved this site: http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/index.htm

Check it out, decide which flame warrior fits you the most, come and join our forums and display your skill and expertice!

Goodburger was made in 1997 at the height of Nickelodean’s two movie heyday (The other being Harriet the Spy). Back in the 90s silly romps were a force to be reckoned with in Hollywood, from the mid-eighties to their full power in the late 90s these non-sexual humorous fun-ventures would play throughout the year (though mostly concentrated in the summer months). Goodburger also played a part in another short-lived film genre: the comedy skit-turned movie.

As for the movie itself I’ll be showing clips, from the great library of Youtubia, to prove just how wonderful it truly was. The movie opens with a stop-motion delight and music so unusual that I have yet to be able to place it in any category or genre (it kinda resembles Sim City music coupled with chanting of some kind):

The villain, plausible only to 12-17 year olds, is apparently a teenager owning and operating a mega-fast-food chain of some sort. While his age is rather silly his acting is so good that he manages to maintain plausibility (so long as you aren’t an egg-headed nit-picker):

Despite that video’s title I am afraid the best scene in the entire movie is the wonderfully choreographed and hilarious dance scene taking place in an insane asylum (I won’t give away spoilers, you’ll have to watch the movie to know why the hell they are there). George Clinton even appears as one of the many cameos of B-list actors and singers in this movie:

There’s rarely a movie so unusually fun to watch, especially when it comes to Nickelodean, it borrows shtick from other quirky movies from the 80s and 90s, and maintains a feel of originality and creativity through this inspiration. I advise all of you to take a look if you like to kick back and watch a comedic movie that doesn’t base itself primarily on sexual or physical humor.