Cranky Yellow has finally made that right of passage that every storefront must go through. Any business, big or small, mighty or miniscule must deal with the general public; even the less ethical populations within it. We are proud to announce that we, as an official store of officialness, have finally had our first shoplifters!

A group of about four children, two girls and two boys, aged about 10-15 decided that they were gonna walk the length of Cherokee Street and shoplift from Apop to our humble establishment.

Now don’t get me wrong, I hate children. Not in any specific way, they just kinda creep me out. Usually, though, I can remain cordial with the tiny demons provided they don’t attempt to:

A) Eat food near me

B) Talk near me

C) Steal from me

The first two are forgivable offenses; however, petty larceny doesn’t come with the same flexibility. I mean, if the child(ren) proved creative or resourceful in their attempts to pilfer the riches of Cranky Yellow I might be lenient due to my appreciation for those traits. However, this group of children turned out to be great only in numbers, not in smarts.

Here’s their plan in a nut-shell:

Come in a large group and act as innocent as you possibly can, inquire about the sale of items, say that your mother has money and you are waiting for her to return, then spread out through the store and try to distract the shop-keeper(s) by asking them questions that force them to look in the opposite direction of your thievery.

Of course, it’d work out better if the first thing you talked about wasn’t the 2 dollar bill that someone put in the donation jar. Then, to make yourselves seem less conspicuous, ask to touch and hold the bill and inquire about it thoroughly, all the while some of you are asking me to look in different directions for nonsensical reasons.

After this plan failed to draw my attention away from the 2 dollar bill their focus shifted to “Get that shirt in the most suspicious manner possible”! After failing to get me to drop my guard and upon getting David down into the store to help back me up they decided they wanted to go for the shirt. They asked about the price, pretending to want to buy it, and then asked to try it on, in a group of three.

Now, one of the little girls of the bunch goes in (under alot of pressure from the oldest boy) and puts the bright pink shirt with dark black stencil on and tries to walk out with it. Now, this might of worked had I not known they were going to try to do this and if she wasn’t wearing a white shirt over it. When she came out of the bathroom I stared her down, she got scared and went back into the bathroom and came back out again  with her shirt tucked in. At that point I just looked at her and said “I can see the shirt”, David chimed in and asked her to stop stealing, very politely.

Afterwards they rummaged through everything we had, taking as much free stickers as possible, and managed to steal a plastic action figure and a pierced breast (Don’t ask).

Even though I thought about it, I decided not to call the police. These kids were obviously poor inner-city tykes who probably were raised by rather crappy parents. It’s what they know, it’s what they do, and until we get proper programs in place to deal with youth crime I know it won’t help the situation to sick the cops on them.

Of course, if they ever return and try the same schtick I will be forced to call the flatfoots. Even though they are children they don’t get to run around and do whatever they wish.

What struck me most was how nonchalantly the kids behaved, how devoid of humility and conscience. Even though we caught them stealing, remained cordial with them, and didn’t call the cops on them they continued to try to steal, disrespect our store, and act as though they were doing nothing wrong. I saw no guilt whatsoever; except for the girl who tried to steal the shirt. It scares me, it worries me, and it disappoints me to no end. Their only thought was “They have stuff we want, how can we get it from them?” Not a bright future for them if their attitude doesn’t change.
I welcome all of you Crankies for comments as to the situation and what should be done about it, what you would have done, and what should be done about youth crime in general.